Artivels Undescribable Perfection

Kidskycom It's funny watching the elements come together in this complicated scam. On one hand, the set-up isn't quite as complex as it seems, but there's an easy sense of fun in every exchange.

Sameer Callahan It really made me laugh, but for some moments I was tearing up because I could relate so much.

Darin One of the film's great tricks is that, for a time, you think it will go down a rabbit hole of unrealistic glorification.

Coventry I guess this thought crossed the mind of many B-horror movie lovers already… After seeing yet another cheap and horribly lame horror movie, it's all too tempting to think something like "I can do this better…". That's probably what Christine Whitlock must have thought right before making this "Sharp Teeth". Unfortunately, for her at least, it's really not that easy to make a half-decent amateur film and now her own work is the subject of mockery. "Sharp Teeth" is a completely unendurable and ridiculous piece of garbage. Whitlock clearly recruited all of her family members and friends to appear in her film, but none of them has got even the slightest bit of acting capacities. The good woman also didn't work with a script or storybook, so it seems, because the plot is completely incoherent and derivative of two dozen other creature- features. It's about an energy research facility which dumps its nuclear waste in a nearby lake. This causes the carp population – that is already threatened with extinction – to mutate into hideously green and bloodthirsty monsters. Yes that's right, this movie is about murderous carps! Lola Dent, a journalism student even though she's at least ten years too old to pass for a student, goes on a private investigation, but she and boy-toy deputy sheriff are too fixated on her cleavage in order to make any progress in the case. The whole film is stuffed with tiny little details that are just downright irritating, like for instance a corpulent nurse who continuously squeezes her own breasts and then they make this childish trumpet noise. Or a whole bunch of female environmental demonstrators whose idea of running amok is walking around in a circle and shouting out "Save the Carp! Save the Carp!". Even though dozens of people "mysteriously" vanished already in and around the lake, quite often with surviving witnesses around, there are constantly new imbeciles going for a swim or a boat ride. And, of course, in good old "Jaws" tradition, the local authorities refuse to believe something is the matter. Oh blah blah, we wasted too many words already on this retarded amateur romp. In case you even slightly consider of watching "Sharp Teeth", well … don't!

Anthony Pittore III (Shattered_Wake) After a chemical plant leaks their nuclear materials into a nearby lake, the fish begin to mutate into viciously murderous creatures with, you guessed it, sharp teeth. The apparently fortysomething college student reporter Lola Dent (Ilene Ekaim) decides to follow the story in order to make a splash in the journalism world. With the "help" of a rookie police officer, she uncovers the secrets behind the spill.Throughout the years since Steven Spielberg brought the world 'Jaws,' there have been plenty of killer fish movies attempting to leech off its success. While there have been some successes ('Piranha' being a personal favourite), most have been downright failures. 'Sharp Teeth,' however, is in a field of its own as a failure in the underwater horror subgenre. It's hard to really target, of all the many terrible qualities about this film, the worst element it has. Just when the excruciating acting hits its low point, somehow the writing gets even vastly worse. Perhaps the most annoying element of the entire film was the inclusion of the over-the-top cartoon sound effects throughout. Whatever the worst may be, it's only one reason to why this film is just completely terrible.If you're looking for a killer fish movie, avoid this as long as you possibly can. It's not even worth it for genre completionists. Just pop in 'Piranha' one more time.Final Verdict: 1/10.-AP3-

Michael_Elliott Sharp Teeth (2006) Marina Monster (2008) BOMB (out of 4)There's no question that these two movies are downright horrid on all levels but at the same time you have to tip your hat to anyone who is able to get a movie made. SHARP TEETH and it's semi-follow up MARINA MONSTER are both direct-to-video and it's doubtful many people will have heard of them.SHARP TEETH begins as some sort of toxic gets into a lake where of course the little fishies eat it causing them to grow into big fishies and then eat humans. MARINA MONSTER has a brief introduction telling us that angry sharks are growing tired of the ocean so they are now traveling into fresh waters where they're getting very hungry and willing to eat anything. In our film it's a bull shark that finds its way into a lake. There's really not too much to either one of these films and when you discuss one you could pretty much be killing two birds with one stone. Both films were shot on an obviously low budget and it appears most of the actors were probably just friends or people wanting to say they were involved with a film. Needless to say the performances in both films are pretty bad and none of them are even remotely good. The biggest problem with both films is that there's a very strange sense of humor going on. At first I wasn't sure if the director was just spoofing low-budget movies but the added sound effects just became too annoying and they were never funny. SHARP TEETH has the annoying habit of getting close ups of women's breasts (in their clothing of course) and this isn't sexy and in fact it's the one time where I didn't want to see any more. The violence in both films is pretty much off camera as we never really get to see anything but this is expected due to the budget. I must admit that I enjoyed MARINA MONSTER a tad bit more because of the shark they use in the water. The thing is obviously fake but what's funny is that the thing couldn't be any more than a foot in length.

thesar-2 Unfortunately, one would have to wait a full hour and 17 minutes to get to the scariest part of "Sharp Teeth." And spoiler or not, I'll ruin the creepiest part of the film: the idea a sequel could be made. Naturally, with the other hundred or so clichés from the previous 77 minutes, anyone could see this one coming. After reading all the "glowing" reviews of this movie, I had to watch to get some good laughs (at, not with). But about the half-way mark, the laughs ceased and I started to wonder how little of a life I had to bear through the final half. Even at under an hour and a half, the movie drags a lot longer than it should have. I almost want to give the people credit in the film for at least attempting to make a movie, but that's like clapping for the terrorists in the Middle East – they, too make attempts to make bombs. "Sharp Teeth" revolves around a town completely filled with gay men, drag queens, a killer crap, sorry, carp, and dozens upon dozens of extras being eating off-screen. About the time I stopped laughing at the endless boob-shots/sounds (amazingly the film was directed by a woman), the gawdawful sound effects – just because you can find free effects on the net, doesn't mean they belong in a movie – and dialogue taken from the bathroom stall, I prayed that there would be one witness to finger the monster and end the madness/movie. (A lot of the victims were accompanied by someone else, but alas both ended up under the one foot of water.) I could almost hear the director's friends: "I wanna be in your movie! Put me in it, I'm your friend!" and the response would be "Sure, I have 29 victims already, let's make it an even thirty." "Jaws: The Revenge" still gets a lower grade than this mess; the creators of "Jaws 4" had the ability to make a watchable film and chose not to, whereas the creators of "Sharp Teeth" can hide behind their ignorance of knowing absolutely nothing about entertainment.