ThiefHott Too much of everything

Stometer Save your money for something good and enjoyable

CommentsXp Best movie ever!

StyleSk8r At first rather annoying in its heavy emphasis on reenactments, this movie ultimately proves fascinating, simply because the complicated, highly dramatic tale it tells still almost defies belief.

ejonconrad Let's make this clear, I'm rating this highly because it's a very entertaining BAD movie. If you like that sort of thing (and you know who you are), this may be the movie for you. If you're looking for a serious Biblical epic or an *intentionally* funny movie, keep looking.I saw some clips on Encore, and assumed it was a parody (think "Monty Python's Life of Noah"). Then I googled it, and realized it was meant to be taken seriously. With that in mind, it's kind of like a horrible car wreck you can't look away from.Where to start...First of all, they combine the stories of Sodom and Gomorra. Since I don't actually believe either one, this didn't bother me so much. God warns Noah that He's going to destroy Sodom, and Lot gets saved because he's Noah's friend, rather than the whole "Please rape my daughters" thing that's in the Bible. In fact, Lot's daughters are left out entirely, which also gets them out of the awkward part where he gets drunk and has sex with them after they leave the city (what, you never learned that part in Sunday school?). The Ark stuff comes later.In order to make appeal to a wider audience, the "punched it up" a bit, with action, cheesy special effects, and attempts at humor, some which are funny - although the funniest bits are unintentional. There's also an incredible amount talent wasted on this film. Oscar winners (!) Jon Voight and F. Murray Abraham play Noah and Lot, with Mary Steenburgen and Carol Kane playing their wives. Even James Coburn makes a couple cameos. Their salaries didn't leave them a lot left over for minor things like decent sets. The battle scenes really do look like Monty Python. In addition to playing Noah, Voight also provides the voice of God, presumably because they couldn't afford James Earl Jones. Also, what is it about made for TV movies and accents? Noah and his wife clearly have American accents, while most other people - including their kids - have strong British accents.The tone is a roller coaster, ranging from sincerely reverent, to bawdy humor (Lot: "Not staying for the orgy, Noah?") to actual slapstick (Lot's wife fall head first into a vat of dye at one point). The music faithfully tracks the tone, transitioning from Cecile B. DeMille to Three Stooges.You may wonder why the flood happens only halfway through the movie. Without giving any spoilers, I'll just say that there's plenty to come. Grab your beer and popcorn, because that's when things get *really* weird.So if you like to watch bad movies and give them the Mystery Science 3000 treatment, keep this one in mind.In the end, I dinged it a couple of points because as a two part miniseries, it's a bit too long, and when it's not really bad, it's merely boring. I'm seriously considering buying the DVD so I can edit down to a 90 minute party cut.

alicia-95 The first piece stupidity in this is the author having Noah living in Sodom with his family and his "nephew" Lot. Second they have Noah living in Sodom a city that did not exist in Noah's day. Third they have the destruction of Sodom occurring BEFORE the flood rather than several millennia later.Noah did not live in Sodom, Sodom did not exist in the time of Noah. Lot was Abraham's nephew and Noah was nothing more than a VERY distant(in time)ancestor.Basically the author has confused the the story of Sodom and Gomorrah with the story of Noah, events that were separated in time by several thousand years. It is a sad commentary on the author's knowledge of the Bible.If you want a huge laugh at the stupidity of the people who made this movie, go ahead and watch it.

randwolfray Once on the classic sitcom "The Beverly Hillbillies" the banker Mr. Drysdale encountered a movie producer who was making a film titled "Spartacus and Ben-Hur Meet Cleopatra and Nero." If that film had actually been made, it would have been more historically accurate than this insulting miniseries. I'm not usually a negative critic, but this is the worst film for it's type that I've ever seen in my entire life.I happen to believe the Bible is historically accurate, but even if Hallmark and NBC didn't believe that, they could have at least made the attempt to get the mythology right. Some have said the film was not intended to be taken seriously and is a tongue-in-cheek comedy. There's no real reason to see it that way, though, because it never comes across as a satire or parody like, for example, "Airplane." That film at least showed some respect for the source material it was parodying. "Noah's Ark" is just one lame episode after another thrown together with some attempts at humor injected. Furthermore, NBC marketed it as a serious Biblical epic.I loved Jon Voight in "Runaway Train" and have always enjoyed performances by Mary Steenburgen. How they couldn't have foreseen what an abysmal turkey this was going to be is beyond me. And what were James Coburn, Carol Kane and F. Murray Abraham doing in this? I still like all of them, but I have to forgive them for this mess. I saw Jon Voight on a talk show right before the miniseries aired, and when asked his opinion of what it was going to be like, he said, "It's going to be big." I hope that it was only his contract that required him to say that. It's big all right, a big vat of sewage.

gcd70 This one lost me from the very beginning with its "poetic licence" disclaimer. I believe, if you are going to make a movie about God's word, the truth is very important."Noah's Ark" is everything a film like this shouldn't be. It is inaccurate, irresponsible and lacks impact as a result. Director John Irvin is unable to inspire, and the film is thus dull and at times moronic.Jon Voight has been infinitely better, as has Mary Steenburgen. Even the great F. Murray Abraham wastes his time. All the English accents are annoying too. Forget it!Saturday, April 1, 2000 - T.V.