Artivels Undescribable Perfection

Vashirdfel Simply A Masterpiece

Guillelmina The film's masterful storytelling did its job. The message was clear. No need to overdo.

Billy Ollie Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

Leofwine_draca MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS! is a cheap and scuzzy exploitation horror movie with that gritty, on the street vibe. No matter that most of the story takes place in the same room simply dressed up to look different each time, this is a film that delivers the good for fans of 1970s grindhouse cinema. The story is about a psycho working his way through the girls at a massage parlour, offing them in particularly grisly ways, while the cops (including one guy who looks like a cross between George Peppard and Kevin Costner) track him down.It's a simple film simply told, one that manages to cram in as much exploitative material as is humanly possible. Filming in the streets of New York circa 1973 is a treat for fans of the era. The acting is quite horrible, but the film manages to fit no less than two cameos from well-known actors; George Dzundza and Brother Theodore both shine as potential suspects, the latter in particular with a hilarious monologue. MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS! manages to fit a ton of nudity into the running time, although not as much sex as you'd expect. Add in cheesy music, a random scene of an overweight guy dancing in a tutu, a car chase, and a series of sloppy but nasty gore murders in the H.G. Lewis vein, and you have a perfectly acceptable piece of exploitation fare.

capkronos A religious-fanatic psycho targets frequently-nude massage parlor girls who give new meaning to the term "table service" if the money is right. How can one possible screw that up that gold exploitation scenario? Just ask the makers of MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS, because they manage to turn it all into one big, colossal bore with an aimless and meandering plot, endless filler, padded scenes, lethargic pacing, a mostly dull cast, a sleep-inducing light jazz score akin to what you'd hear in a waiting room and a surprisingly conservative hand when it comes to dishing out the sleaze. Sure, a dozen or so chicks get naked and there are moments of (mild and poorly executed) violence, but you can see better elsewhere in hundreds of other more entertaining films from this era. I always wondered how a film like this could have possibly bypassed the entire video revolution of the 80s and 90s without ever getting released on home video but now I fully understand why: It's boring as hell!Police Lt. Jimmy Rizotti (George Spencer) and Det. Danny O'Hara (John Moser) are on the case when a topless masseuse named Rosie (Chris Jordan) has her face smashed into a mirror and is then strangled with her own bra. Numerous other ladies soon bite the dust as the cops try to get to the bottom of things, Jimmy deals with his nagging / uptight wife Emily (Marlene Kallevig) and Danny starts getting cozy with Rosie's more straight-laced roommate Gwen (Sandra "I never appeared in another film after LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT" Peabody / Cassell). Though we hear numerous eyewitness accounts of the killer being a clean cut businessman, the investigators spend most of their time interrogating scumball types like a pervy parlor owner who sits around reading Screw Magazine and Rosie's sugar daddy "Mr. Creepy" (George Dzunda in his film debut). They also pay a visit to an insane astrologer, who's played by the inimitable Brother Theodore. He rants and raves about a bunch of nonsense ("My sleeping pills are messing up my horoscope and when I listen to rock n roll my eardrums bleed!") until one of the cops can't take it any more and punches him in the gut!Some of the victims have acid poured on their bodies and one is sliced up, but these scenes really aren't gory and every scene involving action of any kind is clumsily directed and edited as to remove any possibility of them having any impact whatsoever. There's also an extended car chase, long scenes of people walking around in the streets accompanied by pointless narration or voice over, lots of theater marquees (which are at least fun to look at), a male customer stripping down to a one-piece leotard and doing ballet (?!) and an even more WTF scene set at a swinger's party where everyone frolics around nude and have chicken fights in a swimming pool filled with balloons. There were just two scenes I found amusing in this one. The first is the opening bit showing one of the girls (Annie Gaybis) fleecing every red cent she can out of a guilty married man and the second was a scene where a bunch of the girls sit around knitting, bitching about how weird their customers are and talking about going to see SHAFT'S BIG SCORE. Other than that, I found my attention focusing on the clock counting down the minutes until it would finally end.This was filmed under the title "The Seven Deadly Sins" (a concept that eventually helps the detectives unravel the mystery... although it makes no sense whatsoever!) and was reissued to theaters under the title "Massage Parlor Hookers" with the tagline "If you've never been to a massage parlor, this is a visit you'll NEVER forget!" Ironically, I doubt I'll remember a thing about this one a week from now. Keep your eyes peeled for Frank Henenlotter movie regular Beverly Bonner (BASKET CASE), who can be spotted for all of five seconds as a massage girl in a red dress.

Woodyanders A deranged and ferocious killer terrorizes the sordid red light district of Times Square in New York City by savagely bumping off the lovely young ladies who work at massage parlors located throughout the area. It's up to grouchy veteran detective Rizotti (solid George Spencer) and his more cheerful younger partner O'Mara (likable John Moser) to figure out the maniac's identity and apprehend the fiend before he strikes again. Directors Chester Fox and Alex Stevens do a sound job of creating and sustaining a perfectly sleazy tone from start to finish, deliver oodles of tasty female nudity, stage a wild car chase with rip-roaring gusto, and offer a marvelously seamy time capsule of dirty'n'dingy 70's New York complete with foul backrooms in seedy massage parlors, grungy fleapit theaters (check out those incredible double bills on the marquees!), raunchy newsstands with issues of Penthouse for sale (keep 'em peeled for issues of Screw magazine as well!), filthy back alleys, and even a swingin' naked orgy at a public pool. The murder set pieces not only are quite ugly, brutal, and twisted, but also have a nifty religious motif concerning the seven deadly sins that predates "Seven" by over two decades. The game acting by a sturdy cast of familiar exploitation cinema faces keeps things humming: The delectable Sandra Peabody of "The Last House on the Left" fame projects an utterly winsome charm as the sweet Gwen, adorable blonde pixie John Sarno soft-core regular Chris Jordan makes the most out of her regrettably brief screen time as the lunatic's first victim Rosie, Anne Gaybis has a brash ball as the sassy Sunny, the singular Brother Theodore contributes a stand-out loopy'n'lively turn as wacko astrologer Theodore, and, best of all, there's even an early appearance by a very young and then unknown George Dzundza as pervy client Mr. Creepy. Victor Petrashevic's rough and unpolished cinematography provides a suitably scroungy look. The funky-throbbing score hits the get-down groovy spot. Good scuzzy fun.

Scott LeBrun "Massage Parlor Hookers" (otherwise known as "Massage Parlor Murders!") is something of a disappointment, promising more titillation and trash than it ultimately delivers, so exploitation fanatics are advised not to get their hopes up too high before viewing it. It doesn't even show off that much female flesh. Even the one sex scene is rather tastefully done. The movie is very crude, yet undeniably it's so incredibly amusing at times that this helps to keep the rating fairly high.Detectives Rizotti (George Spencer) and O'Mara (John Moser) are on the trail of a ghoul slaughtering the young lovelies who work in NYC's massage parlors. For Rizotti, it's personal: one of the victims, Rosie (soft core / hard core pro Chris Jordan) was a favourite of his. And O'Mara gets close and personal with Rosie's roommate Gwen (Sandra Peabody of "The Last House on the Left" '72).Choppily edited and graced with a very loud, yet enjoyable music score, this movie does offer some entertainment. It can boast one good car chase in which the person doing the pursuing is clad only in a towel, a series of tacky murders including death by stabbing, a face smashed into a mirror, and acid poured over a lady's body, a memorable WTF moment where the detectives watch a masseuse with a client - a portly ballet dancer in a leotard who moves to the strains of "In the Hall of the Mountain King", and a priceless revelation where Rizotti finally figures out the motive behind the killings - while in church, no less. Brother Theodore has one hysterical scene as a potential suspect, and the movie also has some value as a curiosity: it's an early screen credit for prominent character actor George Dzundza, playing a client with the moniker of "Mr. Creepy". (Dzundza also takes an assistant director credit.)Even at 80 minutes long, one CAN feel the padding on this thing. As adult fare goes, it's decent enough, but won't be as sleazy or as sexy as some viewers will want.Seven out of 10.