LouHomey From my favorite movies..

Aneesa Wardle The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

Logan Dodd There is definitely an excellent idea hidden in the background of the film. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find it.

Kaydan Christian A terrific literary drama and character piece that shows how the process of creating art can be seen differently by those doing it and those looking at it from the outside.

Sam Panico Sometimes, I watch movies in the middle of the night, after working long shifts of meetings, copywriting and brainstorming. Whatever brains that still exists in the mush and at this late hour are often exposed to sheer lunacy via films that I find on YouTube. When I awaken, my first thought is often, "Was that movie real or a nightmare?"Elves is one of those films.Kirsten and her friends innocently take part in an ant-Christmas pagan ritual in the woods, but then she cuts her hand and awakens a demonic elf who ends up being part of a Nazi plot to create the master race that Hitler always dreamed of. Yep, instead of the pure Aryan Nietzsche paradigm, the Fuhrer dreamed of a world where human and elf hybirds would populate the glove.Through one of those moments of perfect horror movie luck, Kirsten is the last pure Aryan virgin on earth. Nope, this isn't a post apocalpytic film. That's just the way things are these days. Her grandfather was once a part of all of this, but he's since reformed. Oh, he's also her father, because inbreeding was a big part of keeping the bloodline pure.But hey, Kirsten has no idea that any of this is going on. She's just trying to get through the hell of holiday retail, working in a department store. That's where she meets Mike McGain (Dan Haggarty, TV's Grizzly Adams), an alcoholic homeless ex-cop who takes over for the store's Santa Claus when the original is killed by an evil elf. Yes, I just wrote that sentence, perhaps the most batshit crazy one I've ever assembled in all my years of writing.Mike starts living in the store, living off of the food he steals from the snack bar where Kirsten works. One night, he saves Kirsten when the Nazis come to the store and kill all of her friends.Will Kirsten survive? What does her mom think about all of this? Have you ever wanted to see a movie where an elf electrocutes a woman in a bathtub? What the hell is an elfstone anyway? These and several other questions will and won't be answered.This is a film rich with purely inane and insane dialogue, including a lecherous, cocaine using Santa that states, "Santa said oral!" and our heroine bemoaning that her only friend is a cat. There's also a great scene where Mike goes to see a professor during a holiday dinner and the man describes how elves and Nazis are having this big ritual and incestual sex bloodlines in front of his children.Geek note: Mike goes to the library and asks what the Dewey Decimal System Number is for the occult. The answer? 666. Nope. The real number would be 130, the code for books on parapsychology and the supernatural.Is this film any good? No, it's horrible. And I loved it. It's my holiday gift to you and I'm so happy to share such a patently warped film with all of you.

BA_Harrison The best thing about writer/director Jeffrey Mandel's trashy late-'80s horror flick Elves is its delightfully bonkers premise: on Christmas Eve, shop-girl Kirsten (Julie Austin) discovers that she has been raised as part of a decades-old plan engineered by the Nazis to selectively breed a hybrid human/elf master race. Can't say that I've ever seen that one done before.Sadly, despite this wonderfully wacky story-line, which incorporates such exploitative elements as incest, Nazis, cat-drowning, gratuitous nudity, a couple of surprisingly mean-spirited deaths, horny young women in lingerie and, of course, a murderous two-foot tall supernatural creature, the film proves to be about as much fun as a deep root canal, thanks to a dreadful script, amateurish direction, poor acting, and a truly pitiful titular creature—a pathetic plastic creation with fixed facial features and limited articulation in its poorly crafted limbs (which makes it walk like it's got a bad case of diarrhoea, and might explain its permanent 'I think I've just crapped myself' expression).A chain-smoking Dan Haggerty (of Grizzly Adams fame) plays the reluctant hero—ex-cop-turned-store-Santa Mike McGavin—but gives a performance that is almost as lifeless as the film's crappy elf.1/10, generously bumped up to 2 for the Santa crotch stabbing, the girl who gets shot in the head, and the gag in which Haggerty glances at a stuffed grizzly bear display piece.

jfgibson73 If you've seen Troll 2, then you already know what kind of an experience you'll have viewing Elves. Both have misleading titles (Elves only has a single elf, Troll 2 has no trolls), ridiculous plots, poor effects, and laughable dialog.This movie is really only for people who like to laugh at bad performances. It has incest, Nazis, a perverted department store Santa, and Grizzly Adams setting a record for the number of times a character takes the Lord's name in vain. I was entertained. Not at the blasphemy, but everything else.One other thing you might notice about this one: Whoever wrote this must have some family issues. The little brother is a perv, the mom hates everyone, and the grandfather is an incestuous Nazi. Less fun than even Tony Manero's dinner table.

capkronos This isn't a good film, but it's a pretty good bad film. Troubled blonde teen Kirsten (Julie Austin) has a horrible home life that rivals just about everything Linda Blair went through in her 1970s film adventures. Her dad is out of the picture (or so she thinks). Her mother (Deanna Lund) is an icy mega-bitch whose idea of punishment is tapping into her daughter's savings account. Her kid brother Willy (Christopher Graham) is an obnoxious perv who likes to look at her boobies. Her German grandfather (Borah Silver) is a wheelchair bound weirdo who slaps her around for staying out too late. Needless to say, Kirsten is having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit. On top of all that, she's having these strange dreams which have something to do with some book or her family lineage or a drawing she made. It's all rather muddled and hard to understand. Kirsten, along with her bimbette friends Brooke (Laura Lichstein) and Amy (Stacey Dye), decide to hold some sort of séance out in the middle of the woods. Before they can even get started, Kirsten cuts her hand on a busted glass candle. Blood gets on the ground, the girls leave and out pops a rubbery elf monster! Not elves. An elf. Just one of them. Don't expect GREMLIN like monsters running around killing everyone despite the title.Kirsten works at a department store. It's Christmastime and her boss is being a jerk. He threatens to fire her after she knocks out the guy playing Santa for trying to feel her up. The elf sneaks into the store and kills the mean Santa by stabbing him in the crotch about 10 times with a knife. Police show up and basically do nothing. Homeless, out of work former store detective Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty) is hired on to replace the dead Santa. Despite the mysterious murder and a mad killer still on the loose who was just there earlier that day, Kirsten, Brooke and Amy decide to have a secret slumber party after hours in the store. They invite three guys over (who never make it inside), put on make-up, try on ugly lingerie, decide what tents they want to boff their boy toys in and end up getting attacked by both the elf AND some heavily armed posse of mystery men who somehow know all about what's going on. Only Kirsten and Mike end up getting out of the store alive, but there's more fun in store for young Kristen when she gets home. As it turns out, Kirsten is of a rather special bloodline. The Nazis are after her because they know she is the key to reviving the "Master Race." They know that only a virgin who is the bi-product of father-daughter incest is suitable to mate with an elf to bring on the second coming of the Third Reich. Will the rubbery elf fiend be able to wine, dine and consummate its relationship with Kirsten? Does Kirsten now wish she'd given it up to her mullet-sporting suitor in the home improvements section earlier in the film? See what happens ladies when you save yourself for marriage. Tragic consequences always ensue. You'll either get a lot of innocent people killed because cannibals want to sacrifice you or you'll get lots of innocent people killed because elves want to mate with you to create Nazis.In addition to the wacky plot, this one has lots of profanity, lots of bad taste, lots of bad acting, lots of quotable terrible dialogue, lots of hideous 80s hair and clothes, a little gore and even some nudity, most of which is provided by the evil mother character when she gets electrocuted in the bathtub when the elf throws a radio in. It's all pretty awful, yet entertaining nonetheless.