ThiefHott Too much of everything

Erica Derrick By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

Loui Blair It's a feast for the eyes. But what really makes this dramedy work is the acting.

Matylda Swan It is a whirlwind of delight --- attractive actors, stunning couture, spectacular sets and outrageous parties.

Neil Welch Jaws was a great movie. Creature From The Black Lagoon wasn't a bad movie. There is no reason why their offspring should be a bad movie. And yet it is. Very bad.OK, so someone lends you a videocamera, gives you fortyseven quid, and suggests you should go and make a film. Here are the lessons you can learn from Aquanoids: 1. Start by writing a script where the dialogue is believable (eg. don't have your character saying "It's the missing surfer!" - we KNOW it's the missing surfer).2. Cast actors who can act, even if only a little bit.3. Find an editor who can edit and a director who can direct (see the sequence where the two girls go to the marina on scooters and then head out on the jetski for a masterclass in how not to do either).4. Steer clear of gratuitous video effects - what worked in Predator won't work if you can't afford to do it properly; 5. Avoid synthesiser music.6. Don't make a sequel when no-one ever made the original.7. Don't call your movie "Aquanoids" if there's only one Aquanoid.But I do award a point over the baseline minimum for a) the sheer gall of starting off with an appalling day-for-night cross between From Here To Eternity's rolling in the surf sequence and the Jaws opening sequence, and b) gratuitous boobage.This was in the cheapo cheapo DVD bin. I wuz robbed.

hocfocprod OK, it's obvious the budget on this movie wasn't huge...or big...or enough even, but I'm a sucker for rubber-suit monster flicks and Aquanoids delivers. It's shot well and the sound is clean most of the time. Some things don't make much sense, but it's about sea monsters, so leave your disbelief at the door, make some popcorn and give the DVD a spin.If you think the old Doctor Who episodes are too schlocky looking, or the monsters in Space 1999 ruin the plot line, then this movie probably isn't for you.If you want some gore, nudity, an above average for this type of movie plot and a cool looking monster than you'll probably enjoy Aquanoids. I'm not saying to run out and buy it, but it certainly worth an online rental for monster fans.

Gnesis13 First of all, let us examine the title. If a humanoid is "like a human" then is an aquanoid "like.....water?" Hmmm....Anyway, this movie is so bad it will give you a headache. Not even kidding, the aspect ratio of the film is bad, so the screen contorts not only the video, but also your retina. And the acid-flashback you go on every time they show the aforementioned water-like creature doesn't help either. While it provides minor nudity, and some violence (like a man who stands helpless as his balls are crushed to a bloody pulp by a girl, a feeling you will share at the end of the movie) we only recommend this in cases of extreme desperation.

willywants This little gem opens in 1987, where two people are killed and dragged off-screen by an aquanoid. Cut to around 2003-ish, where we meet are heroin Vanessa, daughter of one of said killed persons from 1987, who's convinced aquanoids are still out there.Of course a new rash of killings begin, but its tourist season and two goofy-looking old guys decide not to let panic spread, so they decide to silence Vanessa. Of course, their plan fails.In the mean time, there's a ghastly mortician who likes to dissect things (While eating his lunch) who confirms that the mutilated bodies are indeed the work of an aquanoid. The two goofy-looking old guys cover it up by saying it was the work of a boating accident (We know this because one of the said goofy-looking old guys goes up to the mortician and says to his face; "BOATING ACCIDENT!").Vanessa and friends try to warn people of the imminent threat, but everyone thinks she's a nut job and completely ignores her warnings.Any ways, a group of kids go off and get killed, one gets impregnated and later in the mortician's office gives birth (Apparently in addition to having a mortician's license, he's also qualified to deliver a baby) to a monster that looks like a cross between the Fiji Mermaid and a carrot. The fiji-carrot thing gets dispatched of and the mortician is forced at gunpoint to tell a police officer what the hell's going on. Mortician tells him all, gets knocked out, police officer leaves, enter the two goofy-looking old guys. The girl who gave birth to the aquanoid is the daughter of one of the said goofy old guys, he's naturally disgruntled and the ghastly mortician once again gets interrogated at gunpoint. This time the mortician introduces the deceased baby fiji-carrot to them, saying; "Meet your new grandson!!!".Mortician gets dispatched of via bullet to the brain, the two goofy old guys leave and have a shoot out with a cop (During an incredibly exciting split-screen action scene). One of said goofy old guys is killed, as is the police officer, leaving one goofy old guy to stop Vanessa.Vanessa and friends go to the beach to kill the aquanoid (Apperantly there's only one), armed with all sorts of illegal weapons, go diving for said aquanoid, think they have it trapped and try to blow it up, resulting in an impressive CG explosion. Well, it's not dead, almost kills one of the said friends-of-Vanessa, gets blown up again, this time for good. HOWEVER, the one remaining goofy old guy is still out to get Vanessa, tries to shoot her with a sniper rifle, but gets dispatched of via harpoon-to-the-face by a police officer.The end.Wow. I thought I'd seen it all, until I saw Aquanoids. Everything about this film is top-notch, from the polished cinematography to the stunning camera work to the grade-A performances. The scene where Vanessa's friend admits he's her father was incredibly touching and powerful. It's a scene that will go down in film history for sure. The special effects were simply stunning. The cmaera work, well, is the most visually impressive I've ever seen, frankly. The screenplay is intelligent and thought-provoking and the direction is both awe-inspiring and mesmerizing. A great movie, and if you liked this I also recommend films like "Rodentz", "Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys" and "The Creeping Terror", which are also flawlessly excellent cinematic masterpieces.This film has truly changed my life, it's the most thought-provoking and emotionally devastating epic of the last century. It made me rethink my life, question who I am and what is real, and it will do the same for you.10/10